note to self: protect your peace. even if that means sacrificing your own dysfunction.
(Before I start, I want to acknowledge I am not an expert on anything. I just ask a lot of questions and overthink a lot of things. I would imagine that over time, I am still going to continue to learn new things and bring more questions/answers. this goes not only for myself, but as for the world around me. my thoughts, opinions, and feelings change. it is fully and perfectly okay/normal to experience that. anything can change. trivial things can often make the biggest impacts. writing along the way helps me to kind of… understand myself and the way I see things. it helps to connect and bridge a gap that might be overlooked. (Or not. but here is to intention.))
Would you rather sacrifice peace to maintain your own dysfunction? This question can go in a lot of different directions fast, I know. For example: I speak with fear and insecurity—as if I cannot change it with actions and the intentions put behind it. Words can become a bond, shackling everything down if it gets too far. Holding onto the words of the past and words from resentment, versus the truth: the integrity, what we feel versus what we hide, what can be fixed with…excuses or negative self-talk, while preaching to others because it is not okay.
How can they see better? How can they expect better if you fail to want better? It can be equated to the failure that comes from not fully loving ourselves enough to nurture the truth about it all. Even amid the dark, sick, and twisted. The purest of hearts can contain that sometimes. How we choose to act on it and express it is where it lies.
Sometimes, it takes hurting someone else by failing to recognize and stand in how different your love is/your choice in maintaining balance in life. Is it self-destructive? Is it productive? Neither should be measured by justifications that remove accountability, responsibility, and maturity.
You must choose to keep learning to keep growing, to keep being better as an individual. You must want to help yourself uphold your integrity, even if you feel as if something is justified. Is it worth being submitted to your own spiral just based off the integrity of maintaining the ability to choose? Is it worth it? This goes for anything and anyone.
With this ability to love, there’s freedom. There is something freeing to consciously decide to walk in that as much as possible. Yes, things get rough. No, there is not a perfect reaction to everything. But what we fail to accept is that things also take time. Approach it like a craft. Except: it is never going to be perfect. There will still be flaws, and things can be out of control. The answer lies in what you choose in those periods of uncertainty. It lies in how you will choose to show up for yourself. We put time into the behaviors we want to put into, correct? Often, we would rather invest time into things that add nothing, but temporary fulfillment of a void created by our own selves sometimes. We would rather wallow, call ourselves names, and further sabotage. (And I say all this from my personal self-drag. You’re welcome.)
It should be the steps we have taken to manifest that goal of the views of love we want to see. The other part? Maintaining it and carrying that energy in choosing to nurture it, versus holding resentments. We can run from it by traveling through life losing sight of the light love gives. It is scary to let something manifest for not only our highest good, but also for what we did not receive. That last bit is not really considered much. If it is, we make excuses how that is too much while we diminish ourselves for not giving ourselves the chance to fight for love, to fight for a chance with ourselves, hell to allow others to love us. Hurt people hurt people. The hurts often get in the way of choosing love. It is scary to show up for it. It can feel like death or a sacrifice. But… with love there can come peace. (Yeah, cliche as hell. Anything is possible.)
I am not better than anyone else, but that does not discount that I am human. We are all human. I cancel myself before anything can take off. We all cancel things when they do not bend to us. It is natural. It is learned whether we taught ourselves out of coping/defense mechanisms, or we saw things of love we do not agree with…so it follows without even realizing it. Cue up the shame and isolation. And the root? Fear of loving myself/yourself despite it all.
As I was writing, this came as a notification. even if you are not religious, there is some tea in there that needs to be taken.
“For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay in the night but rejoicing comes in the morning.”
Psalms 30:5 NIV
A lot of things we have been taught often do not work for us. We know that because we are living with ourselves every day. Sure, this thing might seem nice. But is it necessary? Am I avoiding something? (Or it is because I overthink and come to a lot of these thoughts in passing.) I discourage my words/thoughts many times because of, “who the hell would listen to me? I keep fucking up and going through things for no reason it seems….” That is where I fuck up. There is always a reason. I ask for signs or nudges all the time. A lot of times, I fail to acknowledge them. Why? Fear. It is the fact that it costs me having to face myself versus shitting on myself as an escape. And THAT? It is not easy. It is not easy to acknowledge that shadow and sort through it because it feels isolating. It wants to betray yourself. You want to detach and run. You question who you love. You question on what love is more. You question on if you have been living your own lies. We often do. It can get so far so fast, leaving so many more questions instead of answers.
It is deciphering what’s worth saving, and what needs to be improved/abandoned? Whether it is thoughts, beliefs, standards, anything. It is not easy to love, but love opens a lot of doors we might not realize. It is not the only component that is completely complex in the grand scheme of things.
Love is a choice to me. Things done out of those choices lead to determining your own sense of integrity/love/love languages. We are detached from it because we do not expect it. We put all sorts of unrealistic expectations/fantasies on it. That is not love. We can lust after an infatuation to where it feels like love. We act in ways that are not of love, but instead manipulation. We guilt trip and just…spiral further away. We sabotage it and lie to ourselves more about it. In turn, it not only impacts us, but it also can shake those around us.
Having a cute conversation to make amends sounds easy. It is not. At all. It is painful. We especially do not like others shining a light on us directly. We would do anything to not see the truth in ourselves without anyone else’s intervention. It is uncomfortable. It can be angering. Something to keep in mind is that nothing is gained with settling with spite, betrayal, hate, or vengeance. We can “love” ourselves all day every day, but what can be said if we participate in the same harmful actions that divide others while hiding our hands at the same time? It is fraudulent. I speak for myself as well. Like it or not, that is the reality. I cannot say I want a better relationship with someone, while hindering it on my end from a dark place. How is something going to change or grow if I am not upholding myself accountable and doing the work? This is not to be taken as “omg she’s delusional and thinks everything can be perfect wow…” It is not that at all. I just say that it is about the intention behind it.
Love does not hurt us. The hurts hurt us. The pain hurts us. We hurt ourselves. Twisting the intention of love under the guise of inciting damage is not love. Acting in a harmful way out of “love” is not love. All the shit we see in life right now is not out of love. It can be a never-ending loop if we allow it, or we can take the darkness as a guide for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Let us face it. Life is fleeting. Nothing is promised. “If I die, I die” is true. Anything can thrive with the right intentions. It is not just based off money, sex, or status. That can be taken at any given point in time. What is there underneath it all? Do you appreciate what you still have during loss/unsteady ground? Do you still love despite it all?
