Category: Reflections + Essays

note to self: protect your peace. even if that means sacrificing your own dysfunction.  

(Before I start, I want to acknowledge I am not an expert on anything. I just ask a lot of questions and overthink a lot of things. I would imagine that over time, I am still going to continue to learn new things and bring more questions/answers. this goes not only for myself, but as for the world around me. my thoughts, opinions, and feelings change. it is fully and perfectly okay/normal to experience that. anything can change. trivial things can often make the biggest impacts. writing along the way helps me to kind of… understand myself and the way I see things. it helps to connect and bridge a gap that might be overlooked. (Or not. but here is to intention.)) 

Would you rather sacrifice peace to maintain your own dysfunction? This question can go in a lot of different directions fast, I know. For example: I speak with fear and insecurity—as if I cannot change it with actions and the intentions put behind it. Words can become a bond, shackling everything down if it gets too far. Holding onto the words of the past and words from resentment, versus the truth: the integrity, what we feel versus what we hide, what can be fixed with…excuses or negative self-talk, while preaching to others because it is not okay.  

How can they see better? How can they expect better if you fail to want better? It can be equated to the failure that comes from not fully loving ourselves enough to nurture the truth about it all. Even amid the dark, sick, and twisted. The purest of hearts can contain that sometimes. How we choose to act on it and express it is where it lies.  

Sometimes, it takes hurting someone else by failing to recognize and stand in how different your love is/your choice in maintaining balance in life. Is it self-destructive? Is it productive? Neither should be measured by justifications that remove accountability, responsibility, and maturity. 

You must choose to keep learning to keep growing, to keep being better as an individual. You must want to help yourself uphold your integrity, even if you feel as if something is justified. Is it worth being submitted to your own spiral just based off the integrity of maintaining the ability to choose? Is it worth it? This goes for anything and anyone.  

With this ability to love, there’s freedom. There is something freeing to consciously decide to walk in that as much as possible. Yes, things get rough. No, there is not a perfect reaction to everything. But what we fail to accept is that things also take time. Approach it like a craft. Except: it is never going to be perfect. There will still be flaws, and things can be out of control. The answer lies in what you choose in those periods of uncertainty. It lies in how you will choose to show up for yourself. We put time into the behaviors we want to put into, correct? Often, we would rather invest time into things that add nothing, but temporary fulfillment of a void created by our own selves sometimes. We would rather wallow, call ourselves names, and further sabotage. (And I say all this from my personal self-drag. You’re welcome.) 

It should be the steps we have taken to manifest that goal of the views of love we want to see. The other part? Maintaining it and carrying that energy in choosing to nurture it, versus holding resentments. We can run from it by traveling through life losing sight of the light love gives. It is scary to let something manifest for not only our highest good, but also for what we did not receive. That last bit is not really considered much. If it is, we make excuses how that is too much while we diminish ourselves for not giving ourselves the chance to fight for love, to fight for a chance with ourselves, hell to allow others to love us. Hurt people hurt people. The hurts often get in the way of choosing love. It is scary to show up for it. It can feel like death or a sacrifice. But… with love there can come peace. (Yeah, cliche as hell. Anything is possible.) 

I am not better than anyone else, but that does not discount that I am human. We are all human. I cancel myself before anything can take off. We all cancel things when they do not bend to us. It is natural. It is learned whether we taught ourselves out of coping/defense mechanisms, or we saw things of love we do not agree with…so it follows without even realizing it. Cue up the shame and isolation. And the root? Fear of loving myself/yourself despite it all. 

As I was writing, this came as a notification. even if you are not religious, there is some tea in there that needs to be taken. 

“For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay in the night but rejoicing comes in the morning.” 

Psalms 30:5 NIV 

A lot of things we have been taught often do not work for us. We know that because we are living with ourselves every day. Sure, this thing might seem nice. But is it necessary? Am I avoiding something? (Or it is because I overthink and come to a lot of these thoughts in passing.) I discourage my words/thoughts many times because of, “who the hell would listen to me? I keep fucking up and going through things for no reason it seems….” That is where I fuck up. There is always a reason. I ask for signs or nudges all the time. A lot of times, I fail to acknowledge them. Why? Fear. It is the fact that it costs me having to face myself versus shitting on myself as an escape. And THAT? It is not easy. It is not easy to acknowledge that shadow and sort through it because it feels isolating. It wants to betray yourself. You want to detach and run. You question who you love. You question on what love is more. You question on if you have been living your own lies. We often do. It can get so far so fast, leaving so many more questions instead of answers.  

It is deciphering what’s worth saving, and what needs to be improved/abandoned? Whether it is thoughts, beliefs, standards, anything. It is not easy to love, but love opens a lot of doors we might not realize. It is not the only component that is completely complex in the grand scheme of things.  

Love is a choice to me. Things done out of those choices lead to determining your own sense of integrity/love/love languages. We are detached from it because we do not expect it. We put all sorts of unrealistic expectations/fantasies on it. That is not love. We can lust after an infatuation to where it feels like love. We act in ways that are not of love, but instead manipulation. We guilt trip and just…spiral further away. We sabotage it and lie to ourselves more about it. In turn, it not only impacts us, but it also can shake those around us.  

Having a cute conversation to make amends sounds easy. It is not. At all. It is painful. We especially do not like others shining a light on us directly. We would do anything to not see the truth in ourselves without anyone else’s intervention. It is uncomfortable. It can be angering. Something to keep in mind is that nothing is gained with settling with spite, betrayal, hate, or vengeance. We can “love” ourselves all day every day, but what can be said if we participate in the same harmful actions that divide others while hiding our hands at the same time? It is fraudulent. I speak for myself as well. Like it or not, that is the reality. I cannot say I want a better relationship with someone, while hindering it on my end from a dark place. How is something going to change or grow if I am not upholding myself accountable and doing the work? This is not to be taken as “omg she’s delusional and thinks everything can be perfect wow…” It is not that at all. I just say that it is about the intention behind it. 

Love does not hurt us. The hurts hurt us. The pain hurts us. We hurt ourselves. Twisting the intention of love under the guise of inciting damage is not love. Acting in a harmful way out of “love” is not love. All the shit we see in life right now is not out of love. It can be a never-ending loop if we allow it, or we can take the darkness as a guide for the light at the end of the tunnel.  

Let us face it. Life is fleeting. Nothing is promised. “If I die, I die” is true. Anything can thrive with the right intentions. It is not just based off money, sex, or status. That can be taken at any given point in time. What is there underneath it all? Do you appreciate what you still have during loss/unsteady ground? Do you still love despite it all? 

I found a home in loneliness. Now, I long to be emancipated from it.

Self-awareness is a continuous process. It requires a great deal of consciousness, an active state of being… aware. It is about holding oneself accountable—acknowledging when you went wrong, and learning from those mistakes to evolve into something better. I find this concept particularly fascinating, especially since I tend to live more in my head than in the present moment. Add depression and PTSD to the mix, and I become a product of my own undoing—something that can go too far, too often.

Lao Tzu once said, “If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present.” This quote puts everything in perspective for me.

“Where is all of this going?” you may ask. Right now, I am navigating a dark and overwhelming space within myself. The mental mix I described earlier has sparked something in me that I cannot yet put into words. This “something” is so intense, so consuming, that I find myself afraid to see where it will lead. There is no outline, no preparation, no structure—just a series of intermittent tears.

Let me start by saying something important: I do not like feelings. This is crucial because it is the reason I am opening up about all of this. I prefer living in the inner world of rationality and logic, where things are explicitly seen and understood, as opposed to actually experiencing or embracing my feelings. It is complicated, but it is the reality I have come to know.

Growing up, I always felt different—weird, even. I talked too much, and for that, I was reprimanded. I engaged in mental competitions with others, driven by feelings of inferiority and insecurity, often based on intellect or my ability to understand things. My experiences didn’t match those of others, which made me feel alienated. I didn’t know who to trust or who to be friends with. I had no idea how deeply this sense of isolation would affect me until much later.

But that’s normal, right?

The part of my experience that is not so normal, and which has been slowly creeping into many aspects of my life, is my refusal to actually feel anything. I love the idea of connection, of interacting and getting close to others. But I am not comfortable with the vulnerability of feeling anything. I have chosen, for much of my life, to numb myself—to not feel, to not engage emotionally—until therapy began to challenge that pattern.

No one truly knows me—not my parents, not my family, not my relationships. I do not let others get too close, no matter how it may seem on the surface, because I am afraid. I often cycle through bouts of self-deprecation, questioning my worth, and harboring thoughts that no one should have toward themselves.

I learned early to lie about my emotions, my thoughts, my experiences. I even lied about trivial things as a child, seeking attention, because that was the only way I could get anyone to notice me. As I got older, I began to understand how those lies affected me. When traumatic things happened, I would call myself a liar for being hurt, for feeling affected. It was either that, or I would suppress it. If it wasn’t about grades or superficial things, it seemed to have no value. I was taught that what happens in the house stays in the house. I heard the words, “I love you,” but I never understood their meaning.

I grew up wanting real, meaningful friendships—something genuine. I wanted approval and acceptance from others to fill the void of loneliness. I grew uncomfortable with being myself, and eventually, I grew uncomfortable with not being able to express who I wanted to be. It’s complicated, but that’s how I felt. I desired to feel wanted—not just for my achievements or for conforming to someone else’s idea of normal, but for who I truly am. I wanted to feel at home in my own skin, not have to change, morph, or sacrifice parts of myself to feel something, anything.

Now, when I reflect on it, I realize how alone I have been. Detachment, for me, is not a cute personality trait—it has been a defense mechanism, a way to protect myself from feeling anything too deeply. But the cost has been high, and the loneliness has become harder to bear.

My words, my feelings, my experiences have often been invalidated, leading me to believe that I deserved the same fate. I became accustomed to sacrificing my own sanity for things that ultimately didn’t matter. It was a toxic cycle that led me to question everything—especially when I began opening up and sharing my vulnerabilities. Why am I doing this? I asked myself. Why am I allowing myself to be vulnerable now?

The truth is, I can no longer remain silent. I no longer want to lie to others about how I feel, what I think, or who I am. I do not want to keep lying to myself.

For a long time, I felt guilty for having feelings—guilt for expressing them, and guilt for not sharing them when I needed to. I feared that it would come across as ungrateful or selfish. I understood that others had their own struggles, their own hardships, and I did not want to burden them with mine.

I am realizing that I can’t keep running from my feelings. I need to feel. It is okay to be vulnerable. It is okay to cry. It is okay to feel overwhelmed. For once, I am allowing myself to be present with my emotions, rather than pushing them aside in favor of remaining numb.

It is time to stop denying the emotional weight of my experiences. The past cannot be left behind until I deal with it, until I allow myself to feel the pain of it and let it go, respectfully. I no longer want to be emotionally unavailable, and I wish to attract people who are capable of being emotionally available too. I want to surround myself with those who can truly listen—not just to hear, but to understand. Those who will listen to my pain, my thoughts, my voice, without judgment or expectation. I do not have to prove my worth to anyone, and neither should anyone else have to prove theirs to me in order to feel loved.

You cannot stay in my life just to exploit my pain, only to disappear when I find joy. I do not expect anything in return for being a good person. I do not expect anything from others who need someone to confide in, because I know what it feels like to be left unheard. Yes, hurt people hurt people—but being aware of your hurt and choosing to project that hurt onto others is not an excuse.

I have been telling myself that it is okay to not feel, that it is okay to suppress my emotions and simply be content with what is there. But I can no longer accept that. If I continue living numb, am I truly living? Can one walk through life with a dead soul and expect to bring life to anything?

Writing and creating have always been my safe spaces—places where I can express myself without fear of judgment or misunderstanding. I want to share these spaces with the world, and in doing so, reclaim my voice.

I have neglected this site. I was afraid to come back. I felt like I wasn’t doing anything worthy, like my voice did not matter. But I now realize that imposter syndrome is a liar. I feel called to share my story, to be a voice for those who may not have the courage to speak theirs. For those who need to reconnect with their sense of self, or for anyone who simply wants to learn from my journey.

It is worth it.

The following are affirmations I use to remind myself that it is okay to feel, to experience, and to be vulnerable. If you or anyone else needs them, feel free to adapt them to your own situation:

• I am hurt. And that is okay.
• It is okay to cry.
• It is okay to feel.
• I will be okay one day.
• I am here. I am enough.
• Everything that makes me who I am cannot be taken away from me.

Thank you for reading.

The best way to transcend the mundane is by denying myself.

Life is interesting and has a funny sense of humor. It is complex and painful, yet interspersed with points of beauty, joy, and happiness. The joke? There is no meaning. We convince ourselves that life revolves around the wheel of “there is a reason because everything is a conspiracy.” The illusion? Believing that there is a reason for existing because the world “owes” you. Denial arises when you add the rejection of what you feel “owed” to entitlement.

We often become angry when we give something we would love to do for ourselves but cannot. The truth is, many of us are unable to love ourselves at our core. This concept mirrors how programming is created. We build functions and ideas of what we believe is supposed to happen for us. We wire ourselves based on illusions, and those illusions shape our perceptions. As a result, many people end up living within those constructs, failing to see beyond them with clarity and reality. They begin to believe the lies and limiting beliefs in their minds, only viewing things at face value while neglecting what they truly feel. This process embodies a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You start to believe you deserve pain because that seems to be all you attract. Have you ever noticed how easy it is to believe something negative? It is so easy to get caught up in that idea because life’s reality is not always gumdrops and lollipops. But if you were to step outside yourself and observe from a different perspective, ask: is that realistic? Is it realistic to keep acting on the emotions and pain caused by someone in the past as a means of coping? Is it realistic to continue blaming others for self-inflicted behaviors rooted in unresolved wounds?

This creates a trap—a state of being stuck with resentment toward others and a lack of accountability for yourself. It fosters a lack of self-awareness, which fuels self-sabotage. While it is valid to feel pain from what has been inflicted upon you, that pain does not diminish the aftermath of your actions. Others playing the role of God—strictly holding someone else accountable while ignoring their own shortcomings—is a form of ignorance in many cases. It is remarkable how often people tell me not to give others chances when I have done the same for them. There is no need to throw stones from a glass house.

I cannot deny my role in the situations I have caused for myself. I cannot sit in my own pile of problems and claim I do not make mistakes. It would be like saying, “Since I cannot deal with my mess, let me share it with you and blame you for my unresolved issues because I feel justified in the moment.” Excuse me, but do you see the flaw in this? You cannot save your demons if they do not want to be saved, and you cannot save someone who does not want to save themselves.

Sitting in denial instead of addressing guilt, karma, and the lessons to be learned from your experiences only blocks blessings and opportunities. The more you dwell on the past, the more it will continue to manifest, and the more you will suffer—both consciously and subconsciously. Ignorance is not always bliss.

Stop letting people narrate your truth when they know the role they played. Stop letting them tell you, “You should not feel this way because I did not mean it.” However, the same applies when you hurt someone else or project onto them.

You can apologize to someone repeatedly, but if you do not choose to embody a higher version of yourself, you will not learn the lesson. This applies even to those who hurt me. Yet, I refuse to allow anyone to continue disrespecting me. I refuse to entertain gossip rooted in resentment toward others. I am not someone’s emotional crutch, nor am I responsible for someone’s guilt. Blaming others for known toxic behaviors is not acceptable. I refuse to perpetuate broken cycles or carry harmful generational curses when I have the ability to be greater.

I am not giving a pass or a microphone to others to dictate how I feel, what I think, or what I say. Those who truly want the best for me would not pray against me. They would not use me for personal or selfish vendettas. They would not consciously wish harm against those I have forgiven and reconciled with. I can love someone from afar and never speak to them again. I can maintain boundaries while still wishing them the best. I can hold myself accountable and take responsibility for my actions.

I want to live for myself, not according to someone else’s limitations, rooted in what they could not achieve for themselves. Contrary to popular belief, not everyone deserves a place in your life. We can acknowledge what we have done to each other, but I can still choose to grow without you, even if things are better.

It is amazing how the assertion of moving differently surfaces when I no longer give energy to someone or to negativity—when I establish boundaries, uphold moral values, and refuse to live by deception, gossip, or the chains of the past. Why would I choose stagnation when I know better?

I give my life its own meaning. I would rather live with purpose than in the shadows or situations of others. I would rather deny myself once and for all to step into a higher sense of self than live a life full of denial about what should have, could have, or would have been.

You owe the world; the world does not owe you. Without the world, how would you have a sense of self? How would you learn to fall and pick yourself up again? How would you gain wisdom and knowledge from pain, using it to elevate yourself?