I often say there’s nothing for me to say, because speaking usually falls on deaf ears.
It’s embarrassing to be open about things not working out, about being in a dark place or at rock bottom. It’s annoying to be told to “ask for help,” then reminded why it’s hard to trust when someone shows up. It’s tricky to seek peers and connection, while having to understand that some people see me as competition, a fountain of ideas, or just a body to catch because of my future potential. In this place, it’s frustrating to be reduced to something disposable.
Creating and showing up in this space is confusing. It’s confusing when people younger than me look for direction when I feel unqualified to guide them. I believe that wisdom comes from lived experience: it seems negligent of me to give specific advice on certain rooms I haven’t personally touched.
Being talked over and pushed out traces back to how I’ve handled things in the past. It hasn’t taken away from the fact that I choose to stand against things I don’t believe in, or speak up in spaces where “community” is centered around ego and perception.
My perspective towards myself and my practice seems cooked while evolving to something I have yet to experience. Still, I know there are people who hear me and show respect. For that, I’m grateful.
