I was not planning on writing again.
I considered giving up a skill and rebirth of a passion that not only helps me, but it also helps others.
Here is why I wanted to stop writing: 1) no allotted time between my two jobs and 2) stress with personal matters. The first reason was more like an excuse I made for myself. I also would tell myself that I would need to wait on the perfect moment and proper climate to put something out. After having a tough love conversation with a couple of my friends, I told them and myself that I would continue. However, I chose to limit myself. The feeling of fear and anxiety hit me. I felt like the positive things I began attracting dissipating. Things others said started getting to me.
Now, here I am writing. I am not letting fear, or anything control me. I know I am not a one trick pony. Self-sabotage is real, but we do not talk about it enough.
We can be our own best friend, but we are our own best enemy for the same reason. It is hard to feel as if we are doing things right. Things start feeling too good to be true. When it is time to elevate further, we stall. We stop and we go backwards, traveling the familiar pain or feelings we are safe with. We go back to social media and compare ourselves to others, further limiting what we wanted to do. We lose opportunities and chances we do not take if we just keep sitting in the same fears we create. We get so used to going crazy over things we cannot control to where we give up the things, we could control: our own happiness and ability to journey through life without feeling weighed down.
Here is an example. My friends and I were having a discussion while high. The topic? A situationship. A friend of mine is enamored with one girl but will not make a move. Now, here is what the high me said:
“How would you feel if someone else came along doing the exact same things you’re doing for her, but he gets her first because he put himself out there for something he wanted?”
It fucked him up. I think a lot of us hurt ourselves when we make ourselves victims in situations we create mentally. The idea of having a “perfect moment” is also bullshit essentially. How many people have/are still probably waiting on that? A large amount that would rather not admit it. We limit ourselves on fears. The fear of the unknown is without a doubt scary. Inversely, I think being comfortable with a blanket of knowing you do not want to deal with negative outcomes or deny what happens next is not healthy. It creates an inner dialogue and narrative that we cannot escape. Facing those fears is a part of living. It is like a mini adventure of how badass you can be with pushing your own limits of growth. Self-limiting thoughts and expectations are tricky. Little do we know; we can easily attract things that influence our self-sabotage without realizing it.
Having a rough day? Damn, that is crazy. Let’s sit around and be unproductive. Better yet, let us go out and sit around people who do not give a damn about my existence, or want to be also stuck in their own self wallowing pain. Sound familiar?
I noticed that I was walking away from a toxic point in my life when I questioned why I was writing. I had to sit and sort through my thoughts and feelings about my situations. I noticed who cared about me. I noticed those who were not really my friends. I noticed the way others treated me when I started acting with more purity and clarity. I noticed the way my thoughts and patterns changed. Of course, with myself questioning, I began to see how my life shifted. Sometimes, it is our surroundings that are holding us back. I did not feel bad for cutting off people with half assed intentions and effort. I cherish those that push me and question me. Does it upset me sometimes when I hear something that is the opposite of what I would like? Of course, that is beyond natural. I appreciate it more because I then begin to tackle why do I feel like this. Why are others making me feel like this? Why do I choose to stay with others if they have tendencies of not being what I need in a friend? We fail to act in what we lack because of self-sabotage. We fail to go through the beauty of self-love and self-care with the lack of responsibility and accountability we have for ourselves. People just want “yes men” and followers that encourage stagnancy. People would rather be sensitive and become narcissistic in their glass house, failing to comprehend why things are always wrong for them vs. understanding that they have no room to speak on something or someone when they have fallen short from greatness.
No one ever wants to be wrong. No one ever wants to take the first step into a new chapter. No one wants to miss the perfect moment. We make end of the world scenarios and make asses of ourselves for no reason. With that, we should start being more reasonable. “What if I am wrong?” The worst that can happen is a tiny ego bruise, followed by change and growth that can follow afterwards.
“What if someone rejects me?” If they did, leave it alone. You did what you could and that is all that matters. However, the opposing party also needs to understand that they cannot get mad when you move on. They cannot try to make you feel guilty for doing something that omits them from your current reality. If they did not congratulations. Establish boundaries. If the person keeps hurting you, leave. If you go back, that is on you. The reason I say that is because it could fall into one or two ways: either they corrected their behavior, or they continue the cycle of hurting you, you are taking them back, etc. x 100. The latter is lack of accountability and responsibility for your role in someone hindering you because they cannot grow themselves. They would rather see your dreams and potential fail because they could not grow fruit in theirs. Misery loves company, leading to the trap of leeches: you must rid yourselves of them and of anything that distracts you from the main prize you set for yourself. I do not care if that toxic ex/parent/teacher/relative/friend tells you different.
True happiness lies with you and only you. When you lack that, it shows in the way you carry yourself. It shows when the same negativity energy starts to manifest itself in ways that will come up as a wakeup call. It shows us from self-doubt, fears, lack of action, procrastination, excuses, and so much more self-debilitating measures. Are we going to keep going backwards and not learning from our self-sabotage demise, or are we going to learn from these experiences and start a healthy, fulfilled life?
With that, I shall continue writing. I am something greater than I could have imagined. There is more blessings and abundance in store for me to come.
