I don’t know how to explain it or how to describe it. I know I’m not losing my mind, yet sometimes everything seems like it. I know I’m not asking for too much while seeing myself act like it. I know when things shift and change, yet act as if everything is fine while watching it all burn down.
It’s a silly game that I keep playing with myself, my time, my energy. People say that meeting others is meeting the reflection of yourself. I see that here and now, and I understand a bit more. It sucks. It truly hurts to see it and empathize, yet resent it. I felt like this last year around this time, and the reality has not changed for the better. I’ve spiraled as things have gotten worse. I care way too much about things or people that won’t be here next year, that are selling a nonexistent dream. The reflection is making me question if I’m truly doing the same thing that I despise. Most of the time, I am. It takes tangible experiences to notice, or for it to really make a difference. I’m not sure what that will look like this time going forward. I don’t know if I’m holding on to the idea that the comfort will be the same safe haven, or a suitable, piss poor excuse for not doing anything with myself.
Seeking validation and comfort does nothing but fuel this fuck ass loop. Same goes for hiding behind people, same for expecting others to make their decisions without my input or guidance. The act of thinking on the behalf of others has gotten increasingly difficult because I find myself annoyed as a result. Not my proudest affliction to admit. Alongside this are the growing sensations that come from my discomfort or annoyance, leading to me reacting in ways that are essentially hurtful. In those moments, there’s the applause for calling things out. In other moments, there’s the disdain prodding at me.
I don’t know what any of this is about anymore. I’m in a different place and I know where certain things will go. Is it a matter of applying wisdom to said situations, or is it more so ego? Why does it matter when I’m no better than anyone else? These are things I’m struggling with. I feel as if having the firsthand experience allows for me to be qualified to speak on certain things. Instead, I’m labeled as a self righteous know-it-all.
