I refuse to be a recipient of my family’s mistakes.
If you felt like you had to live up to toxic standards or repeat the same toxic patterns because of family, I am sorry.
Sayings like “blood is thicker than water”, or “we can’t choose our family” make people feel guilty of the way a family member has treated or done us. That is what it felt like for me at least. It makes us feel like we must be obligated to go back to the same place that caused us to become sick: physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. We drive ourselves to our wits end, giving up our own dreams and personal goals we deem to be our path in life because of family. They know it all, right?
Let’s ruffle some feathers. I feel as if so, many people need to hear this: if your parent was abusive or neglected you as a child physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, and they chose to pass those negative aspects on to as a child, they need to seek help. If you believe that being verbally abusive to a child makes you feel good, and seeing a child scared for their life because you held control over them due to their lack of being able to defend themselves is okay…. you need to seek help. If you think that projecting the trauma that you experienced as a child onto your own child is okay, you need to seek help. If you think tearing down your child’s hopes and dreams because you failed to reach yours is okay, leading to you becoming an obstacle in their life, you need to seek help. There is so many other situations and instances that ruin lives of families daily. I can strongly say family can be the worst in life. We are conditioned to this societal idea that family is supposed to be happy and filled with love. “They’re the ones that will always have your back until the end of time”. “We should feel obligated to help and support them at all costs”. My personal favorite? “You should be grateful that I at least took care of you”. At least. Tuh. Okay lol.
Let’s go down two avenues. First, to those who are or was a toxic/less than great parent: did you ever come to terms with failures in your life? Did you ever overcome your own personal trauma? Did you ever have someone to talk to? Why was projecting your pain the best option to you? There are so many questions that I ask myself. I understand the idea of mental health and therapy is not a viable option due to stigmas surrounding that, especially in black communities. I understand that it is easier to fall to the same patterns that previous generations continued: drugs, alcoholism, etc. I understand that life may have been hard on you. You may have had to grow up fast and handle responsibilities earlier, right?
I say that to say this to everyone as I climb this soapbox: I do not give a damn what your past was. To have so much of that negative, draining energy while creating something so wonderful as life, and then morph a pure human being into a monster is something to be ashamed of. You are conditioned to your issues, and you think giving it to us is our responsibility?
Hell no. That ends today.
I will be honest and say there is a lot of family members I am not fond of. Their pasts kept coming up and creating this cycle that led to me early on. I grew up feeling insecure. I did not understand why family members did not want to be around me or treated me differently. A lot of times, it did not feel like family: more like some dysfunctional reality TV show I did not ask to be a part of. It is funny because my mindset has changed now. I trust my friends more than some of my own family sometimes honestly. The “water” supports me more than the “blood” does because I know those friends are not being selfish. I know they do not have malicious or underlying intentions. I know they respect who I am, they respect my privacy, and they respect my willingness to be whoever the hell I want.
I had an epiphany of my own regarding my family: I no longer care about their decade’s worth of problems. I must leave that to them because 1) I cannot save everyone. Instead, I saved myself. 2) They must realize they became the problems they not only created but were handed down. I refuse to be a recipient of that. I will be damned. 3) One would think that decades of lack of accountability and being torn from their “family” would be a wakeup call. But some would rather sit around and keep stirring the pot. FOR WHAT? Do you realize how much energy that takes? Does anyone think about how much time and energy it takes to be the devil and constantly keep up drama? As a kid, I never understood. As an adult, I see it as if that is all some people have because they are either unhappy with their own life because of someone else in their family, or that is the only way they can maintain contact. If you do that as a way of only maintaining contact in a state of chaos, there is a special place you need to go– therapy (if you thought I was going to say hell…it popped up, but we must be positive and understand fighting fire with fire does nothing, just like previous generations). All behaviors that we have (consciously and subconsciously) are learned, and the first place all of us learn is from home. People are taught how to be hateful and resentful. People are often taught that sexually assaulting someone is okay. People grow up learning to be a shadow of their parents. The sad reality is that for some of these parents or guardians that raised us get upset when we do not follow that mold anymore. For what?
What do I look like living my life for someone else? What do I look like living my life for someone that I can deem unworthy regardless of being my blood? Life and death are in the power of your tongue and your actions. No one else. You receiving their trauma is so much power over their issues that is not your responsibility. I control myself and my life. I cannot control or force a relationship with anyone. If a family member cut you off due to your negative aspects and love for drama, chaos, and disorder, then they had every right. Stop telling people they cannot remove who they deem unworthy.
“But I brought you in this world and I can take you out”. “I had to change your diapers and provide for you”. I do not understand this concept as a child and to this day. For one, I did not ask to be here. I did not ask to carry your pain. I did not ask to be broken alongside you. I did not ask for the passive aggressive moments. I did not make that decision to be here. For a long time, I felt like my family might have been better if I did not exist. Now, I understand that not only was that a lie, but I also understand that I am not responsible for another person’s responsibility of being a parent or even a decent human being. I understand that their actions had consequences as far as how I would turn out. I could have either been worse, or better. I can say that I am better because I would rather be away from that. Being around people like that all the time is draining. It is filled with negative aunts and uncles, all of them trying to one up each other and being fake to another. These people only cheer when I reach an accomplishment about me having a big voice one day, but as a leech. I do not care about the statuses and titles. PSA: acting all high and mighty does nothing for an already fragile and broken ego. It is not that deep. It is childish and annoying. Please grow up. (If that hit you in the chest, I am glad. Now work through your trauma. Refer to “closure”, my last piece.)
Family hurts. It is a different hurt because there is still this expectation that they would not do that to you. So many family members dealing with their hurt result in diminishing ours. How many of us have been sexually abused and assaulted as a child? How many of us got in trouble vs. the cousin/uncle/aunt/mother/father that hurt us? How many of us were told to be quiet and stay in a child’s place because of that? How many of you have had a mother or father walk out for selfish reasons and leave you with the feeling of being unwanted? How many of us have experienced being in the middle of fights and arguments, and we are told to stay out of it, but our existence is what keeps this going? What people fail to realize is putting a child through hell no longer keeps a child in their respective place that we always mention. That child sees everything and takes in everything. We have all seen, heard, and experienced things that we know we should not have. It has gotten to the point of complacency. Apologizing could go a long way. But it does not reverse actions done. To live in the past and pass down hurtful and disrespectful ways is not fair. It is like saying “I couldn’t handle it, so I’ll share with you”. Why is passing trauma the signature torch? Why is apologizing just something you feel as if you do not have to give us?
To those who have abandoned the idea of family and ridden them off all together, that is perfectly okay. Do not let someone else tell you that it is not. Sometimes, it is for the best. A breakthrough can happen, or things become more fragmented. Whatever the case may be, do not feel guilty for their past. Do not feel guilty for their mistakes and not being enough that you needed. If you are a parent reading this that may not have had a great childhood, but you broke the chains and cycles of your family, thank you. Thank you so much for making it so much easier to go through life without being responsible for your past. If you are a parent reading this that may be estranged from a family member or all, and you played a part in that, please reach out for help. I cannot stress that enough. Death without peace of unresolved issues you created could taste so much sweeter after coming to terms and apologizing.
I can I love my family…from a distance. I would rather be away from the turmoil they still deal with. Being away gives me freedom and the ability to work on myself. I have the chance to form my own ideas and perceptions on what I expect from myself as a parent in the future. As someone who is currently married, I learned from what I have seen my entire life on the type of wife I strive to be. I refused to maintain a dysfunctional life that I know exists in my bloodline. I have broken free of that, and I can honestly say I am at peace. Do what you want for the betterment of you and what will reflect in the future. Nurture the aspects of a life you would want to maintain for yourself. Self-love and understanding without neglecting your feelings are key. Family can be mad at you all they want for your lack of wanting to be around, but they need to understand for themselves that you checked out of what made you sick. One day they will learn the same for themselves. If not, that is not your loss. You have already won the world for yourself.
