closure.

Closure: it sounds so simple, right? Something we all seek. But is it really that easy to find? Closure is an ideal goal, but it requires deep soul-searching, and the reality is, you probably can’t find it if you don’t do the internal work. Before you jump to conclusions or dismiss what I’m saying—hear me out.

What is closure? For many, it’s the idea of talking to someone to finally move on. The truth? It’s a convenient excuse to reopen old wounds. Here’s the thing: whoever hurt you doesn’t owe you closure. This applies across all relationships—family, friends, romantic partners, you name it. Everyone has had their own version of the Five Stages of Grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. But here’s where people often go wrong: they skip over acceptance and replace it with the idea of “closure.” Even if you get closure, you may end up back at square one, cycling through those stages again. I had to take a step back and reevaluate myself to see this.

First, understand that your feelings are valid. Don’t dismiss them as crazy. But, here’s the catch: you can’t live in that gray space forever. You can’t stay there because doing so only gives that situation and that person more power over you. If you let someone into your life who made it clear from the start that they would hurt you, then you played a part in creating that problem. They knew they could take advantage of you. That doesn’t justify the pain they caused, but it does mean you failed to establish boundaries. I want to make it clear that I’m not talking about situations of abuse—those are entirely different and deserve special attention. For the rest of us, acknowledging that you didn’t set boundaries can feel like you’re blaming yourself, but it’s not about self-blame. It’s about taking ownership of your role in your life and your healing.

I know it sounds harsh, but once I faced the reality of what I allowed, I wanted to make the conscious choice to not let it control me. Ignoring or avoiding closure can lead to deeper, unresolved issues that’ll show up in ways you won’t recognize until it’s too late. Moving on isn’t easy, but leaving things unresolved in your head and heart? That’s even harder. Sure, you may not have that constant nagging thought running through your head, but there’s still that feeling of something weighing you down, right? Every time you choose to dwell on something or someone, you start to become what’s hurting you. Over time, you project that pain, and it shows up in places it shouldn’t.

That’s when I had my own epiphany. I realized that self-control was the key to breaking free. For me, self-control meant looking at life in a more positive, less stress-filled way. If someone cuts off contact or ends a friendship with me, I don’t let it mess with my peace anymore. I no longer give it a second thought. It sounds far-fetched, but the way I see it is this:

Is this in my control? If not, why am I wasting energy on it? If it is in my control, I take responsibility. If I messed up, I own it. Holding myself accountable feels better than lying or getting stuck in my pride.

For those who still feel like they need closure, let me say this: The person who hurt you probably doesn’t respect you. Plain and simple. Maybe this is something you really need to hear. If they respected you, they wouldn’t have hurt you in the first place. So why keep letting people into your life who don’t value you? Why allow someone back in who’s shown they could care less? If you’re looking for a sign, here it is: closure isn’t going to give you peace—it will just stir up more questions, unnecessary confrontation, and excuses to reach out. It’s a waste of time.

Life has so much to offer if you stop getting stuck in the past. It’s okay to let go of things or people that no longer serve you. Holding on to toxic memories or a toxic person will only keep you from moving forward. It’s okay to walk away if it’s no longer benefiting you. You’re allowed to move on.

Focus on what you can control: yourself. That’s where the true power lies. Once you establish your boundaries and learn to protect your peace, you’ve won. You are royalty, so treat yourself that way. Don’t let anyone, not even one person, destroy everything you’ve worked so hard for. What they do won’t pay your bills or help you grow. Self-control and self-love are the best closure. That’s how I will work to not let hate, bitterness, or toxicity rule my life.