“I no longer hate you anymore, so you no longer have power over me.”
The idea of closure: It seems so simple and easy to attain…but is it reality for you? It’s an ideal goal, but it also takes soul searching for yourself. The truth? You probably can’t get that because of your actions and thoughts. It’s not entirely someone else’s fault. Before you get mad and try to say “you don’t understand; you’re just talking shit; you’re really ugly so bye”: hear me out. It could change your life for the better.
What’s closure? To many people, it is the idea of talking to someone to move on. The honest answer: it is a dumb excuse to talk to someone. The first thing you should understand is that whoever hurt you does not owe you that. This applies to various aspects of relationships, whether it is with family, friends, a significant other, etc. Everyone has had a 5 Stages of Grief Moment before: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Why is acceptance marked out? Too many times people replace that step with “closure”. Even if we receive it, we still may go through the cycle again skipping acceptance. To come to this realization, I had to take a step back and revaluate myself.
To begin, understand your feelings are valid. Do not dismiss it as being crazy. However, you cannot wallow in that space of gray. You become what you allow subconsciously. Even giving that person so much energy into projecting hate forms something powerful. If you allow someone into your life that made it well known from the beginning that they would hurt you, you created the problem. This person knew they could keep taking advantage of you. It does not justify the pain that could be caused, but you failed to establish your own boundaries (I want it to be known that this is entirely separate from victims of abuse, as well as those who are in detrimental and dire situations. There are isolated incidences and situations that occur to victims that are NOT in their control due to those circumstances, which will be discussed later). I know that this can be seen as derogatory and victim blaming. From someone who has been victim blamed in various points of my life, me coming to my personal realization of what I am explaining felt like I was discrediting myself. I had to open up and look at things differently. I knew I did not have those boundaries. I knew that I became the cause of my own demise because of things I allowed. However, I made the decision for it not to control me. I also would like to add that unhealthily dealing with closure without acknowledging your feelings and moving on could create more underlying issues that you may not want to confront until it is too late. Moving on is hard but having it unresolved in your head and your spirit is much worse sometimes. Even if you do not have a certain nagging thought at every moment of the day, do you still have that feeling of something weighing you down? Each time we choose to dwell on something, it turns us into something we do not like. Over time, we start noticing that we project what has been hurting us or what we have allowed negatively. With this epiphany, I began my own journey of self-control. Self-control for me is the ability to look at life in a more positive, less stress induced way. If someone decides to end contact or a friendship with me, I no longer give it a second thought. It seems far-fetched, but I look at it with these ideas:
Is this in my control? If not, why am I letting this one thing have so much of my energy? If it is in my control, I need to evaluate myself. If I did something wrong, holding myself accountable feels better than either lying or being stuck in my pride.
Let’s go a step further for those who still believe they deserve closure and say this: whoever hurt you and left you with the feeling of needing “closure” does not respect you. Plain and simple. This is something you really need to hear. If that person respected you, they would not have done what they did to hurt you in the first place. Why do you constantly let people in your life that do not respect you? Why would you let someone in multiple times that could care less? If you need a personal sign or tip, listen up: closure is only going to fuel more indifferent questions, unnecessary confrontation, and create excuses to try and reach out. It is a waste of time. There is so much out in life to experience and enjoy– yet causing more inner turmoil is what holds you back. If they come back, understand your newfound self-worth, and apply it. Understand that they do not have that affect over you any longer. Show them that you can keep moving forward without their presence. The memories may include some good moments but living in the past can create a whole new issue entirely. Basing your happiness on memories of a toxic situation or person is not the way to go. It is okay to let go if something is no longer in your favor. It is okay to move forward.
Focus on what you can control: yourself. You have won when you find that peace for yourself and establish your boundaries. You are royalty, so you must treat yourself as such. Why let one person tear down everything you have done for yourself over something that will not pay your bills or add to your growth? Self-control and self-love are the best closure that I can use for growth. That is how I no longer let hate or the idea/environment of toxicity control me.
