Here is why I wanted to stop writing: 1) there was no allotted time between my two jobs. 2) personal matters caused stress.
The first reason was more of an excuse I made for myself. I also told myself I needed to wait for the perfect moment and the right climate to put something out. After a tough-love conversation with a couple of my friends, I told them and myself that I would continue. However, I chose to limit myself. The feeling of fear and anxiety took over. It felt as if the positive things I had started attracting were dissipating. The words of others started to affect me.
Now, here I am, writing. I am not allowing fear or anything else to control me. I know that I am not a one-trick pony. Self-sabotage is real, but we do not talk about it enough.
We can be our own best friend, but we are also our own worst enemy. It is difficult to feel as if we are doing things right. Things can start to feel too good to be true. When it is time to elevate further, we stall. We stop and go backwards, traveling the familiar pain or emotions we feel safe with. We return to social media and compare ourselves to others, which only further limits what we want to do. We lose opportunities and chances when we remain trapped in the same fears we create. We become so accustomed to stressing over things we cannot control that we give up the things we do have control over: our own happiness and our ability to journey through life without feeling weighed down.
Here is an example. My friends and I were having a discussion while high. The topic? A situationship. One of my friends is enamored with a particular girl but refuses to make a move. My response? How would you feel if someone else came along, doing exactly what you’re doing for her, but he gets her first because he put himself out there for something he wanted?
Needless to say, it had an impact on him. I think a lot of us hurt ourselves when we position ourselves as victims in situations we create mentally. The idea of a “perfect moment” is, quite frankly, a lie. How many people have, or still are, waiting for that perfect moment? Likely a large number, many of whom would rather not admit it. We limit ourselves due to our fears. The fear of the unknown is undoubtedly scary. But conversely, I think being comfortable in the blanket of knowing you do not want to deal with negative outcomes or deny what happens next is not healthy. It creates an inner dialogue and narrative that we cannot escape. Facing those fears is part of truly living. It is almost like a mini-adventure, testing how resilient we can be by pushing the limits of our own growth. Self-limiting thoughts and expectations are tricky. Little do we know, we can easily attract things that influence our self-sabotage without realizing it.
Having a rough day? Fine. Let us sit around and be unproductive. Better yet, let us go out and sit with people who do not care about our existence or want to be stuck in their own self-inflicted pain. Sound familiar?
I realized I was stepping away from a toxic point in my life when I questioned why I was writing. I had to sit down and sort through my thoughts and feelings about my situations. I began noticing who actually cared about me, who was not really my friend, and how others treated me when I acted with more purity and clarity. I began to notice the shift in my thoughts and patterns. With my self-questioning, I also began to see how my life was changing. Sometimes, it is our surroundings that are holding us back. I no longer felt bad for cutting off people with half-hearted intentions and effort. I cherish those who push me and question me. Does it upset me sometimes when I hear things that go against what I want to hear? Of course. That is completely natural. I appreciate it more because it forces me to reflect: Why do I feel this way? Why are others making me feel like this? Why do I choose to stay with people who do not meet my needs as friends? We fail to act on what we lack because of self-sabotage. We fail to embrace the beauty of self-love and self-care because we lack responsibility and accountability toward ourselves. People just want “yes men” and followers who encourage stagnancy. People would rather remain sensitive and narcissistic in their glass house, failing to understand why things are always wrong for them, rather than realizing they have no room to speak when they have fallen short of greatness themselves.
No one ever wants to be wrong. No one ever wants to take the first step into a new chapter. No one wants to miss out on the perfect moment. We make end-of-the-world scenarios and make fools of ourselves for no reason. With that in mind, we should start being more reasonable. What if I am wrong?The worst that can happen is a minor blow to the ego, followed by change and growth.
What if someone rejects me? Well, if that happens, let it go. You did what you could, and that is all that matters. However, the other party must understand that they cannot get angry when you move on. They cannot try to make you feel guilty for removing them from your life. If they did not act in a way that showed care for you, congratulations to you for establishing boundaries. If the person keeps hurting you, leave. If you go back, that is on you. The reason I say this is because it will likely play out in one of two ways: Either they correct their behavior, or they continue the cycle of hurting you, and you continue taking them back. The latter is a lack of accountability for your role in allowing someone to hinder your growth because they are not capable of growing themselves. They would rather see your dreams and potential fail because they cannot grow their own. Misery loves company, and leeches will try to latch on to you. You must rid yourself of them and anything else that distracts you from the ultimate goal you have set for yourself. I do not care if that toxic ex, parent, teacher, relative, or friend tells you differently.
True happiness lies within you, and only you. When you lack that, it shows in the way you carry yourself. It becomes evident when negativity begins to manifest in ways that serve as a wake-up call. It shows up through self-doubt, fears, lack of action, procrastination, excuses, and many other self-debilitating measures. Will we continue to go backward, failing to learn from our self-sabotage, or will we finally learn from these experiences and begin living a healthy, fulfilled life?
With that said, I will continue writing. I am something greater than I could have imagined. There are more blessings and abundance waiting for me.
