I learned a lot about myself while being in a relationship. Good, bad, ugly, and indifferent. I would like to say that it has changed me as a person, while also realizing how much I am running away from reality. I do not want to sit with things as they are, while challenging what has been. A lot of hypocrisy and entitlement from my part in ways, while acknowledging that I can’t expect others to really understand with me not saying anything. There was a time where the natural response was to be a bitch. Giving my opinion when it was not needed nor asked for, thinking that the deluded things were all that would ever be, making things truly and absolutely worse—it be like that.
I have said often that as I have gotten older, I have gotten quieter. I actually made things in my life a lot worse, more than I would like to admit. The denial was very present through my actions, alongside many consequences. There are many ways to burn yourself down, with pieces from other places that are still reminders. Those things are safe, yet those are not things I want. It no longer makes me comfortable, I no longer need it. I do not want to be associated with it. The fucked up and hilarious part of life is that it does not matter until it does. I look at how I have been living and existing in comparison of time frames for myself. It is unnerving and terrifying. Very much, “Yeah I did that” to, “Oh…I did that….?”. Lots of cringing.
There are topics I have not written about or been able to conceptualize to some “perfect piece”. There are a lot of people I have lost contact with. There have been deaths. Me being miss messy boots. Lots of lessons about loss. I revealed more of the darker aspects of myself that I had rather not care to admit (which is crazy because I did it at a party…hilarious but I was talking absolutely too much). I broke what I am yearning for, while losing the parts that encouraged the best of me.
It is a very weird feeling to experience someone loving you beyond the good, bad, ugly, and indifferent. Things have flaws, as it is to be living day to day. Hindsight is 20/20 while my rigidity and arrogance has cost me. I compare myself a lot. Find myself stuck on a channel or air of excitement sometimes. There are things I have done and been in the past few months that I am not proud of. I am more afraid of dying, which is wild. The soul is energy, so when that runs out…where does it go?
The distance is a lot easier to manage in comparison to closeness. To love and be lost is to master the art of detachment. Nothing is truly ours to keep.
