Life has been feeling like my chest cracking open. It is scary and it is painful—it hurts a lot.
There are things coming up that I hide away from myself, or people I care about. Wearing a mask all the time with no way to take it off, because any chance of that results in slipping. It goes back to darker habits or shameful behaviors.
I took chocolate shrooms. They tasted like chalk. Kinda made my ass itch. Smoked a little, started panicking, then started walking with her.
There are smells of reminders and capsules of time that overflow out of nowhere. Circumstances now come at a full circle.
It is all scary. I do not know where to go from here, because everything reminds me of childhood being gone, and the little things that made me feel happy and safe.
I have lost so many people, and it is heartbreaking sometimes. Between death, or misunderstandings, or flat out not being the best entirely…
I am tired of feeling like I have to keep things together while there is so many moments of falling apart alone. I do not want to bother people as I have a hard time asking for help. I am not quite sure what to ask for.
It feels like I’m grieving myself and existence up to this point. Being in this garden makes me really happy while also incredibly sad because I miss being a little kid outside, and acting like a fairy. Just being myself.
Little Michaela would have loved it.
